Seeing this new 'hot topic' arise recently, I just wanted to share my own personal struggle growing up with being a victim of bullying.
DISCLAIMER:
I have to warn you, what you are about to read isn't a falsehood.
Everything mentioned below, is true, and became a major scar in my life growing up.
I have to warn you, what you are about to read isn't a falsehood.
Everything mentioned below, is true, and became a major scar in my life growing up.
For starters, I've always been considered the 'midget' in school. From elementary even continuing into high school. But towards the latter end of my education, the fact that I was shorter than 95% of my peers, didnt effect me as much, as it did, while in elementary. But that was only the tip of the iceberg. Not only was I short, but I had a high pitched voice.
For reasons unexplained, (I dont know why), I've always had a high pitched tone in my voice growing up. So you can imagine how I felt as time came to enter middle school, right when puberty was becoming evident for most guys, just not for me. I still had the same high voice as I did in elementary. As a result, I would be walking to class and all of a sudden, hear some individuals say my name, "Shaaaaaaaaaaay" in a girls tone of voice. Obviously they did it to put me down and make fun of me. I dont know why, but clearly it was the "cool thing to do," and no doubt made them feel like the 'big boys' on campus.
I'm not going to lie, it bothered me immensely. Everytime I would hear my name being said, in that same high pitched tone, I would freeze up and want to hide in a dark corner, just to escape them. There was even a time that I wanted to change the spelling of my name, so that it didn't resemble a girl's name. It just made matters worse! I was ashamed of my own name! I would look forward to the days that I didn't have to go to school, I was safe! But I couldn't escape the teasing. Even when I thought I was in an area that no one would know me, I would stumble upon someone involved in that "crowd" and they wouldn't hesitate to call me out in public.
In some ways, I honestly feel this became a major impact on my self esteem and the overall confidence I had for myself. It damaged me as a person. Even today, as I reflect, I can still hear their voices taunting me, and the laughter that would ensue afterwards. I was too ashamed to even attempt to share this with any of my family members, or my friends. Just for the sake of them not noticing, clearly, what those kids had noticed. I just kept it all inside. The sound of my name, eating me from within. It even got to the point where I couldn't see myself asking girls out, or seriously dating anyone. Who would want to date the guy who talked like a girl? There was no hope for me. It was true torture!
But dont get me wrong, to this day I have definitely grown passed all that! I'd like to think I've become a much stronger individual, just for the fact that I know what its like to be a victim of bullying, and being teased throughout the critical years of my teenage to young adult life. In some ways I feel empowered that I became the man I am today! Even though it may have effected me emotionally and mentally back then, I didnt let it get to the point where I wanted to take my own life. Who knows, it could've ended up that way, had I not had a loving father in heaven who never abandoned me as I would pour my heart out to him to, "please let those kids leave me alone, and stop teasing me."
I can only speak for myself, but I think that everyone goes through some sort of "bullying" in their life, some big and some small, but I believe it happens for a reason. Took me 17 years to realize it though, and I'm grateful that I didn't end up in a bad position because of it all. Yeah I may receive sarcastic remarks regarding, " Why did my parents name you Shay?" "Don't they know thats a girl's name?" (Thank you grandma.) But I love my name! If anything, its unique and definitely stands out in a crowd, just like me! Lol.
Hopefully you were able to receive some sort of strength as you read my words. I just hope that you're able to take something away from all of this, not to feel pity or sad for me, but to be aware of those "bullies" in your own personal life. Don't let them succeed in bringing you down. It took me a long time to realize this, but the only opinion that matters is God's. His and his alone is one of love and charity. I've found my strength in his love, and hope that you can too!
Thank you for reading.
